Sometimes I wonder what consitutes success in life. I also wonder if personal happiness is attributed to this success, and if these 2 are related (which I definitely believe they are), how do I achieve it? The question is...does happiness stem from being successful, or does happiness come first, and success follows? Plus, what constitutes happiness? What constitutes success?
I realize I've been talking a lot about my graduation from college, and while I didn't want to devout yet another post to my feelings on this subject, I really cannot help thinking about this, as it basically is something that permeates my thoughts all day, everyday. It almost seems like it is taking over my life at times. It is a cause of extreme stress, as I feel if I don't find a job, I'm going to be a failure, and that is a new kind of feeling for me. I know I am not a failure, but I have been feeling like one lately.
My entire life, my parents have instilled values in me that if you work hard and are nice to people, success will follow. My parents are some of the happiest people I know, so I have been trying to take this advice in stride, and persevere during this time of dealing with finding a job, finishing all my school work, and dealing with the emotions surrounding leaving my amazing friends I have met over the 4 years I've been in Madison. I'm not going to lie, this whole graduating thing is tough.
I've always had high aspirations. I mean, when I was 5, I think my parents were somewhat concerned, because I told them I wanted to work at a carwash, but I'm pretty sure that was because going to the carwash when you are 5 is pretty dang fun. Plus, we used to always go on Saturday morning...it was a part of the morning ritual--I loved it because I got to hang out with my dad (someone who has been a big influence on me), watch our car be washed (which I still enjoy doing today, as it is somewhat calming and sererne, seriously), and eat a "treat" (usually consisting of a tootsie pop or something to that nature). A few years later I moved on to bigger and better--I wanted to be a teacher! Yay, being a teacher would allow me to have summers off, plus, like my dad reminded me...the pay wasn't that great, but if you stuck it out, your pension from the state was hella good. Then I realized that while kids are fun, I don't know if I have enough of the special quality needed to be a teacher (that special quality being patience), plus a high desire to have spit balls hurled at you from pre-pubescent boys (or post-pubescent boys for that matter). From that point on, I knew I wanted to go into something business related, and since Math really isn't my strong suit, and communication is what I do best, here I am...a "Strat Commie" (as my fave Prof. Baughman always calls us). Strategic Communications, or advertising/public relations/marketing is great, but without a job I am still in limbo.
In earlier posts I talked about this limbo phase as being something that isn't that bad, and I guess everyone has to go through it, but honestly I think I could enjoy it more if I knew what was in store for me when the phase is over.
I wish I could be cool like this guy, who bet his entire life savings on a roulette wheel in Vegas, and WON. Maybe I don't take enough chances. Maybe I just need to go to Paris, something that I've always wanted to do. I mean, I have no money, but I'm sure I can just go there and figure it out. If not, I'll just sleep in the Eiffel Tower or something. I can spend my time in internet cafes, telling commands to the subservient chicken, reading Dave, and sipping coffee. That might be fun, but it's fleeting fun...because how many times can you tell the chicken to do the Macerena or read Dave's humorous musings before you start to want to make some kind of worthwhile contribution to society like the chicken and Dave have?
I just want to be happy, and at this point I don't know if I truly can be until I find a job. So, I guess at least for me, happiness and success are related, and since right now success for me means finding a job that I not only settle for, but that I really am excited about, I guess my happiness is dependent on my success. Sigh. I have made a step in the right direction by making contacts, sending out my resume, and chaning my voicemail from, "Yo, this is Katie, leave a message," to "Hi, you've reached Katie Sorensen, I appreciate your phone call, and I'm sorry I missed it. Please leave me a detailed message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks, and have a FANTASTIC day." No joke. Yep, I realize you are making fun of me right now, and that makes it all worthwhile, as at least some of you are enjoying this.
When I do get hired, I'm going to look back at this and laugh right along with you, cause I know it will happen. I will get a job. On second thought, disregard what I just said in the last paragraph...I think I should just try to be happy first, and successful later, yeah, I think that's what I'll do.